


you always knew that give yourself this kind of hope was going to break your heart (but you did it anyway)

by Skeliae Verat (Verat)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Drama, F/M, M/M, Not Beta Read, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Unrequited Love, angst means angst, sentence block prompt, writeworld prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 19:43:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1755461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Verat/pseuds/Skeliae%20Verat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whatever words you’d hoped to say died on your lips.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you always knew that give yourself this kind of hope was going to break your heart (but you did it anyway)

**Author's Note:**

> For some reason that is unknown to me a friend thought it was a good idea to tell me about this site. I think he lost his mind. Also, I’m a drama queen. It means that everything I write tend to drama and sometimes this drama is exaggerated.  
> The idea came from [here](http://writeworld.tumblr.com/post/86902638049/whatever-words-hed-hoped-to-say-died-on-his-lips/) (I think I can tell the whole prompt came of this phrase).  
> English isn’t my native language. I’m sorry for the mistakes.

You always knew it was a hopeless cause. Since the moment you first realized you were in love, you knew you couldn’t expect anything but friendship. But you still told yourself it was everything okay. You still told yourself that someday maybe Steve could notice your not-so subtle looks, that maybe he could love you back ― that if you pretended enough you could make those things become real.

You always knew that give yourself this kind of hope was going to break your heart but you did it anyway.

 

Steve smiles. It’s not that he don’t use to smile, but this smile in particular makes you stomach knot. It’s so happy and full of hope and so bright and so beautiful. Your chest aches, your lungs protest and you feel like if you couldn’t breathe anymore. You’re not used to him smiling like this.

You are ready to ask what happened. The words are already in your pursed lips that want to form a smile too, when he blurts “I have a date”.

It’s like your whole world stops, and the answer comes in a breath “Who?”. And if that is even possible, Steve’s smile gets bigger.

“Peggy. Peggy asked me out.”

You frown. You bite your lower lip, half smile slowly fading from your face.

Peggy Carter. You know her. Of course you know her. Steve can’t stop looking at her not even for a second when she is anywhere near. He dismisses every time you ask, but it’s clear to everybody how much he’s delighted with her. And it’s not that you don’t like her, because Peggy is funny and kind and you can’t think of anyone better to Steve, it’s just…

“This… It’s a good thing.” You say. You guess.

“Isn’t it?” Steve blushes, and he don’t notice the way your shoulders tense a little. “I mean…” then the fact seems to hit his face. “ _Oh my God, Bucky, I have a date with Peggy Carter. What am I going to do?_ ”

And for a few hours you can pretend it never happened, because you need to calm him down.

  


Late at night, you lay in your bed and think about the boy you love. You think about when you were kids and used to stay in the playground the whole afternoon, until his mother dragged him back home with the promise that, yes, you two could play the next day too. You think about when you two were in the last year of elementary school, and he asked you if you had ever kissed someone ― and you blushed and babbled something about a girl you never even talked with. You think about whole days laying in bed, playing video games and talking about everything in your lives, about plans for the future, about what you two wanted.

It seems that you know him since forever. Like if he was your friend even before you existed. And you don’t know how you should feel about the fact that you’re losing him. It’s not like you didn’t know it would happen, you just always pretended he would always be yours. It’s so selfish, but you never thought he would actually fall in love with someone ― only minor unrequited passions. You never thought he would date someone.

Now, how are you supposed to deal with this?

You sink your fingers in your arm and tell yourself you’re not scared.

  


The first Sunday after the date, Peggy sits with you two during the lunch. It has ever been just both of you, but now she’s there, holding his hand, and you smile and jokes and try to make her feel comfortable. Steve looks at you like he could never thank you enough for this, and the happiness in his eyes break your heart in a million shattered pieces.

  


It becomes a normality. Before, you two were a team. There wasn’t Bucky without Steve, there wasn’t Steve without Bucky. You two were together for everything. And it’s not like he has traded you for her, it’s not like he don’t talk with you anymore, but now exists Steve and Peggy, and exists Bucky. They are a team and you are left corner.

He is always talking about her. He is always thinking about her, about being with her, about kissing her. And you want so desperately to tell him that you loved him first, that this isn’t fair, that he can’t let you alone now because you were always there and you can’t deal with the cold friday nights, but… Life isn’t fair. Love isn’t about who loved who in first place. He loves her and you would never ever forgive yourself if you messed up with one of the only good things in his life ― he already lost so much.

You tell yourself that he didn’t leave you. Steve isn’t like this. Steve could never be so cruel or so selfish. He would never let you just because he has a girlfriend now ― you tell this to yourself every night before you sleep.

  


A few years after college, you’re the first person who discovers about theirs plans. You see the ring in Peggy’s hand and you heart drops and your mouth goes dry. Steve, being Steve, asks you to be his first man. He says you’re his best friend, that you’re his brother, that you’re his only family left. And you, being you, don’t have the guts to say you can’t do this.

You thought about telling the truth. In the moment he started to talk about you two, and her, you thought about telling how much you love him, that you have loved him since, like, ever, but whatever words you’d hoped to say died on your lips in the moment he smiled to you.

  


On their wedding night, you realize the truth: maybe your dreams were all made of dust. You let your hopes grow, built on piles of ephemera easily overturned by the wind. And now you’re left alone to pick up the pieces and put them together again, even though you don’t know how you’re supposed to do this and act like it has never happened.

Steve smiles the whole ceremony.

**Author's Note:**

> Steve isn't cruel. Really. He's just oblivious. Never have you ever fell in love with a friend with him never knowing about it? And sometimes you still wonder what would've happened if you ever told him?


End file.
